IC inbox for Snowblind

[ecks]

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[nursetemple]

You killed someone before?

[ecks]

[Uh oh.]

...Define before.

[nursetemple]

Hm.

[That's answer enough, Ecks.]

In Norfinbury?

[ecks]

[The clarification doesn't even help her. Or maybe it does? There was only one in Norfinbury.]

Yes. One time. I do not want to again.

[nursetemple]

But it was self-defense?

[Claire bites her lip for a moment.]

I'm not judging you, by the way. I understand - the urge.

[ecks]

[There is a long, painful pause.]

It was not self defense.

[nursetemple]

Oh. It was before your rules, then, wasn't it?

[She's not going to ask why.]

[ecks]

[She might want to ask why in a moment. Ecks goes silent again, and when she replies her voice is fainter, like she's put the tablet down.]

It was not before my rules.

[Not the one that happened in Norfinbury.]

[nursetemple]

Huh.

[A pause. She does want to ask why.]

Well...may I ask why you did it?

[ecks]

I did it because I was angry.

[Others have talked her through this. Others have reassured her that it doesn't mean she's a lawless creature that murders indiscriminately. She just doesn't entirely believe it.]

I know that it was wrong. He killed a person I like and I wanted him to be sorry that he did that. He was not sorry, and then I killed him.

[nursetemple]

So, it was revenge. Plenty of people hurt others because of revenge. It doesn't make it right, but it makes you more of a person than some people I've met, because at least, you know it was wrong. You regret it.

[ecks]

Is regret part of what makes you a person? It makes you more of a person?

How can you be most a person?

[nursetemple]

You're thinking, therefore you are a person.

But I think feeling things make you even more of a person. Empathy, sympathy, they're all important. Caring for others makes you a better person, too. Not that you should never be selfish, because you should - you, as a person, comes first.

I don't think you can only be part of a person. I think, the second you have your own thoughts, you are a person, and that's that.

[ecks]

I thought that making choices was what made me a person, but Doctor Watson said that I was still a person even when the Admin made me do things I did not choose to do.

Those are a lot of different things to make me a person. I think that I do those things, mostly.

[nursetemple]

Yes, people are made of multitudes, Ecks. And you are, too, which makes you a person. Choices are part of it, as are feelings and thoughts and so many more things.

A very famous author once wrote 'I think, therefore I am'.

[ecks]

Yes? The magic would not have worked if he had not used a lot of different parts.

[She's missed the meaning here.]

[nursetemple]

Wait, what?

[Claire raises an eyebrow, confused.]

[ecks]

I am made of multitudes and that is why I am a person and not only a golem.

[nursetemple]

Who is the 'he' you mentioned?

[ecks]

My --

[She stops, thinks about it. She does not want to use his name because maybe it will be a clue that the name she has given is not her name. She does not want to call him her father because Doctor House has said things about him with that term that cannot be true.]

My person who made me.

[nursetemple]

[This is incredibly confusing.]

Ecks, can you tell me what a golem is?

[Her voice is gentle - she'd like to understand, exactly. It's obvious that Ecks has a lot going on, and she didn't even think she was a person until recently, apparently, but Claire feels like she's missing so many pieces to this puzzle.]

[ecks]

I can tell you what a golem is.

[She has gotten better at recognizing questions that are really orders, but she doesn't catch it for a few seconds, falling silent after answering the question. Then, after an awkwardly long pause:]

A golem is a construct animated by an elemental spirit.

[nursetemple]

So, you were built. And whoever built you was the one making choices for you? But now, you're making your own choices. Is it only because he's not here, or did you break your conditioning?

[Claire stops herself, biting down on her lip.]

I'm sorry, I'm asking too many questions.

[ecks]

Conditioning? I don't know what that means. I made one choice before I came here.

[nursetemple]

It means that you were trained, your brain was trained to listen to this one man, to obey him. Did you follow anyone else's orders? What choice did you make?