IC inbox for Snowblind

[ecks]

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[ecks]

I thought that making choices was what made me a person, but Doctor Watson said that I was still a person even when the Admin made me do things I did not choose to do.

Those are a lot of different things to make me a person. I think that I do those things, mostly.

[nursetemple]

Yes, people are made of multitudes, Ecks. And you are, too, which makes you a person. Choices are part of it, as are feelings and thoughts and so many more things.

A very famous author once wrote 'I think, therefore I am'.

[ecks]

Yes? The magic would not have worked if he had not used a lot of different parts.

[She's missed the meaning here.]

[nursetemple]

Wait, what?

[Claire raises an eyebrow, confused.]

[ecks]

I am made of multitudes and that is why I am a person and not only a golem.

[nursetemple]

Who is the 'he' you mentioned?

[ecks]

My --

[She stops, thinks about it. She does not want to use his name because maybe it will be a clue that the name she has given is not her name. She does not want to call him her father because Doctor House has said things about him with that term that cannot be true.]

My person who made me.

[nursetemple]

[This is incredibly confusing.]

Ecks, can you tell me what a golem is?

[Her voice is gentle - she'd like to understand, exactly. It's obvious that Ecks has a lot going on, and she didn't even think she was a person until recently, apparently, but Claire feels like she's missing so many pieces to this puzzle.]

[ecks]

I can tell you what a golem is.

[She has gotten better at recognizing questions that are really orders, but she doesn't catch it for a few seconds, falling silent after answering the question. Then, after an awkwardly long pause:]

A golem is a construct animated by an elemental spirit.

[nursetemple]

So, you were built. And whoever built you was the one making choices for you? But now, you're making your own choices. Is it only because he's not here, or did you break your conditioning?

[Claire stops herself, biting down on her lip.]

I'm sorry, I'm asking too many questions.

[ecks]

Conditioning? I don't know what that means. I made one choice before I came here.

[nursetemple]

It means that you were trained, your brain was trained to listen to this one man, to obey him. Did you follow anyone else's orders? What choice did you make?

[ecks]

I am a golem. Golems obey orders. I always wanted to obey, except when I did not.

I chose to leave and not go back. Then I was here.

[nursetemple]

Well, I think that your choice of leaving was a good one. You deserve better than to have to obey orders for your whole life.

[ecks]

I think it was a good choice also, but I don't know if I would have stayed away if I had not come here. I am bad at continuing to make choices.

[For instance: she's bad at not killing people, and bad at not stealing.]

[nursetemple]

So what do you think you will do once we go home?

[ecks]

I think I will still try to find another way to live. I think it will be very difficult and I may or may not survive alone because surviving is harder than I thought it would be and I will not have friends or places to get food.

I will try to go to someone else's home. In my friend Frisk's world there are many kinds of monsters that are people, and I could pretend to be a normal monster.

[nursetemple]

Why would you not have friends back home? You have friends here, after all.

But what matters, I think, is for you to find a place that makes you happy. If that Frisk's world, then we'll try and get you there, okay?

[ecks]

The world is a dangerous place.

[That's all she's going to say about that.]

Frisk's world or another world where I have a friend, but Frisk's world has the monsters.

[nursetemple]

You know, I'm pretty sure that any and every world is dangerous. But if you think you'd be more comfortable in a world with monsters, then you should try.

[ecks]

I like humans now. I think some of the worlds the humans here are from sound soft and nice, but I think it is obvious that I am not human.

[nursetemple]

I have never heard of a soft and nice world. Every world has good and bad sides, I imagine. But any of the worlds that resemble mine are full of terrible things, realistically. But it's true that if you don't look human, these worlds will... not welcome you. My own world doesn't welcome me half the time, and I am human, but of the wrong skin color.

[ecks]

Wrong skin color? There is a right skin color?

[nursetemple]

In my world? Yes. It's a very, very complicated situation, and it's been going on for, basically, forever. Many, many people are not bothered by skin color. But many, many people are, too. My world - and especially my country - is governed by white people, and I happen to not be white.

[She bites her lip, frowning.]

It really is a lot, lot more complicated than that, but basically, the answer is yes. There is a right skin color, where I'm from.

[ecks]

In my world there are many different skin colors, and I think it mostly does not matter except for the elves. The important part is what race a person is. Some of the races are not very good.

[She gives that a moment, thinks it over, and clarifies.]

I was taught that some of the races are not very good.